Parenting

Raising boys
It may pose some unique, daunting challenges but boys’ needs are no different from girls’-—lots of love and attention, writes Mae Ann Pasigpasigan.

I'm inclined to mold my boys based on some stereotypes, although I don't buy the whole lot," says Mike Portes-Borromeo, retired flight attendant and full-time mom to 5-year-old Miji and 3-year-old Maki. "I fear that my boys might be socially ill-equipped once they go out on their own."

This fear is common to many mothers raising boys. Boys aren't supposed to cry; they're expected to be tough and independent. If boys express themselves freely, they are thought to be soft, sensitive and "gay."

"Boys are more difficult to handle. You always have to make them feel secure and let them feel your presence," says Christine Carpio-Mintu, a lawyer and mom to 2-year-old LJ and 3-month-old Jiego.

TEACHING GENDER ROLES
The environment plays a vital role in the development of boys, according to Dr. Resurrection De Los Reyes, pediatrician at the St. Luke's Medical Center and the Fe Del Mundo Medical Center in Manila.

During the early childhood years, boys learn about gender roles through socialization--with parents, peers and media. An article from the University of Minnesota Extension Service emphasizes that a parent's response to the child's needs or behavior affects his understanding of what it means to be a boy or a girl. Gender typing peaks during the early preschool years although sex differences are believed to be evident even in neonates.

Studies reveal female babies have more regular sleeping patterns, are more socially responsive and more sensitive to pain. Boys are likely to sleep less, cry more and be irritable. Research has shown that baby boys maintain eye contact with adults regardless whether the adult was talking or not. Girls, on the other hand, were found to maintain eye contact with an adult twice as long as boys, and even longer when the adult was talking. These findings suggest that boys tend to concentrate on what they see rather than what they hear.

During their second year of life, boys discover that their bodies are different from those of girls. They then become aware of what it is to be male, what boys should be interested in and what they are supposed to be good at. Boys tend to be more assertive and ready for rough and tumble play, while girls learn to be more submissive, cooperative and engage in nurturing activities.

"As much as I want to play with my boys, somehow I can't empathize," says Portes-Borromeo. Boys play rough and are very active. I get bruised with their play, so I leave that job to my husband."

Expectations from parents or peers influence a child's developing self-concept. "I tell my boys that wailing just because of a minor scratch isn't becoming of a man and that they have to show that they're strong and brave," says Portes-Borromeo. "I encourage them to talk to anyone confidently because shyness has no room in a man. If I see them fall or slip, as long as they suffered no major injury, I just encourage them to carry on."

INSTILLING DISCIPLINE
Instilling discipline is the most difficult part of parenting. "It can be emotionally draining," says Portes-Borromeo. "But it must be done."

When she needs to discipline her boys, Portes-Borromeo goes for intimidation. "I don't hesitate to show my anger. They have learned the stages of my discipline. First, a warning. Second, a raised voice. Third, 'the raging bull.' I stop whatever I'm doing and face them. This usually does the job."

Because boys are expected be tough, many find difficulty articulating their feelings and tend to express themselves physically. Research shows that by age 9, many boys have learned to repress their feelings--except for anger. Some boys may resort to bullying to release pent-up energy and feelings. Others learn to accept or imitate bullying because they see that aggressors get what they want.

MEDIA AND AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR
Aggressive behavior in boys may be associated with exposure to media violence. "Media has a strong effect on children's wants," says De Los Reyes.

Negative messages from ads, movies, computer games or music videos can be bad for your child. Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology showed that songs with violent lyrics increase aggressive thoughts and hostile feelings. The violent lyrics can influence perceptions of ongoing social interactions, coloring them with an aggressive tint. Repeated short-term media violence effects can lead to an aggressive personality, the researchers explained.

Media influences how children should look, behave and learn, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). The AAP and the Minnesota Medical Association offer the following tips on how parents can help reduce the effects of media violence on their children:

• Limit the amount of television they watch to 1 to 2 hours.
• Teach that real-life violence has consequences.
• Offer other enjoyable activities such as sports.
• Help identify high-quality programs.
• Explain the difference between fantasy and reality.

UNIQUE LEARNING STYLE
Boys and girls don't learn the same way or at the same rate. According to research from the Xavier University of Louisiana, boys approach reading differently from girls. Girls and boys have different language acquisition skills such that girls develop reading skills three times better than boys. The difference may be attributed to faster development of some areas in the female brain responsible for speech and language ability.

An article published by the Australian Council for Educational Research suggests that a large proportion of boys are unable to cope with verbal reasoning and general literacy demands of the school curriculum. Boys generally choose subjects more oriented to sciences, math and technology.

On the other hand, research published in The University of Chicago Chronicle shows that boys have an advantage over girls in their understanding of spatial relationships by age 41/2. Spatial skills are used when people read maps and technical drawings. Boys also tend to engage in play that encourages spatial skill development.

Boys like games and activities, according to an article published by Peter Downes, OBE, and Amanda Barton, Ph.D. They respond well to activities when presented as a challenge. Boys may generally prefer to learn by doing or by engaging in an action-oriented task.

Carpio-Mintu and her husband provide different toys to their son to make him well rounded. "We give him balls, cars, action figures, toy animals and stuffed toys. Sometimes we give him real household items, like spoons, plastic plates and plastic cups, and he plays pretend with them. He loves colorful books, too. When we read him a book, we try to point to the real thing and then point back to the book so he can make the connection that the two are the same. And as early as now, we expose him to sports such as basketball and swimming."

PREPARING FOR THE REAL WORLD
Mothers must learn how to monitor and mentor their sons to prepare them for the real world.

• Be actively involved in your son's life. Encourage positive behavior by monitoring his life at home and school and during play.
• Create healthy ways for your child to express his emotions. Allow physical movement, including hugs and tumbling. Encourage participation in art activities to let boys release energy and emotion.
• Admit when a problem is bigger than what you can handle alone. A greater number of boys are diagnosed with a disorder called attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD. If you think your child needs to see a specialist, go ahead.
• Talk openly and often. Be honest about your own strengths and weaknesses. Introduce your child to things that you like to do. Have a sense of humor.
• Tell your child what thoughts and ideals you value and why. Teach them to be patient, sensitive and respectful. Be honest with your child about how you are feeling. Don't hold back.
• Know what your child is watching, playing, reading or listening to. Monitor what your child watches on TV or what he does on the Internet. Put restrictions on the CDs they buy. Know where your child is after school and on weekends, without invading their privacy.
• Know the people your child spends time with. Look for hints of aggression or discrimination and teach him not to accept them.
• Give direction without being rigid. Remind children to ignore routine teasing by turning their heads or walking away. Not all kinds of provocative behavior should be acknowledged. But know when to get involved, such as when events seem headed for trouble. Suggest ways for children to compromise or to express their feelings in a productive way.
• Encourage boys to express their emotions freely. Respect his opinions without judging him. Don't let negative behavior such as pushing or shoving seem more acceptable for boys than girls.
• Nurture individual strengths without forcing him. Storytelling and myth-making often help the male brain develop its imaginative and verbal skills.
• Set a good example. Do as you say and say as you do.
• Rotate parenting responsibilities with your partner. It usually takes an older male to support a boy's emotional maturation.
• Teach children to seek help when confronted by the abuse of power (physical abuse, sexual abuse or other) by other children or adults.

LOVE AND ATTENTION
"Raising boys is not any different from raising girls," says Carpio-Mintu. "You still have to give your full attention to the child, especially during their formative years. Time spent with your child is priceless."

"Mothers shouldn't underestimate kids," emphasizes Portes-Borromeo. "They're smarter than we think. No action, word or incident will go unnoticed to a child; thus, children's understanding of our world will be based on parents' tireless explanation of why and how things come to be."

Boys and girls may vary biologically but their needs remain the same-ample love and attention from their parents and an environment that nurtures their potential.